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burning-for-city-lights asked: hii i read your thing on fifth harmony and i just wanted to tell you that i can totally relate i understand where you're coming from 100%, and i hope you can stay strong i love you<3

i hope so for u too<333 ily

My saviors

This year had been the hardest for me. I didn’t feel like smiling. Or doing anything. All I could think about is death. My head was all ways of killing myself, cutting, starving. I wanted to stop the pain. I just needed to stop it. I wanted it to shut the fuck up, and I couldn’t handle anymore shit. Somehow, I managed not to kill myself and began to pretend I was happy. And somehow, I was. Everyday, I watched Fifth Harmony make their dream come true. I’ve been there since they did the impossible and I could truly see myself in them. My recovery began around that time. I stopped cutting. I stopped starving. I stopped being suicidal. I still had small thoughts but their smiles, their laughs, their everything, was chasing it away. In Camila’s words, I found the love I was craving. In Lauren’s smile, I found the protection I needed. In Ally’s, I found the faith I missed. In Normani’s, I found security, stability, comfort. In Dinah’s, I found the sushine that I needed to warm my heart. In their smiles, I found mine. With their laughs, I made mine. I learned how to be happier. I managed to make my smile every day, a little bit more real. Every day I was laughing a little more. Everyday, it seemed like my life was getting better.

A week ago, with no reason, I started feeling anger, frustration (for nothing like lol) like I used to. I start yelling for nothing. I fucking cried because someone was making a noise for fuck’s sake. I felt crazy. I started thinking about cutting. I started crying again. And it keeps growing. Today is the first day I thought about actually attempting suicide… Again. I don’t want it to start again. I won’t let it start again. The girls are the reason I keep going right now. I really want it to end. But I won’t. I will keep fighting. It’s what I promised myself. Thank you, girls. For giving me a reason not to give up… I love you.

I just wrote this text because I knew it would calm me down and I needed to talk and found no one. But they are still there and nothing will ever change that.

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